i found my old LJ from highschool
Ima use that one again! yay

x_xwretchedx_x.livejournal.com

+Hmmp+

Blah... I feel a lil queezy. I was drinkin til 4 in the mornin last night. Maybe that has somethin to do with it. Heh. I was talking to my ex last night until I finally just past out on my brothers bed (who was pissed when he came in to go to sleep and found me there. He slept on the couch. Haha, oops sorry). My ex is crazy... I dont know why I ever was with him. I don't even wanna go into it cause it just... too fucked up, I guess. I was such a fool. but believe me, I know better now... and I'm not falling for his jedi-like mind tricks anymore. Fuck that.
I've realised recently how many guys I've dated and been with that I actually didn't even like that much. The one guy I actually really miss is the one whose a couple thousand miles away. Go figure.
I'd like to say fuck realtionships for a while, but it only works for a little bit until I get lonely. Then take the first thing that comes along, because I live by the sayings 'life is short' and 'gotta love the one your with' and so on, so I end up giving too many chances and overlooking alot.
Cause the fact of the matter is, we could all die tomorrow... I don't wanna wait forever for that special someone, expecially if they don't exist.
Am I being completely irrational?

Ugh... well besides all that. I'm going back to Ramada doing phone sales... hopefully. If they let me come back, which they probably will. Shouldnt be too bad. But I know Ill be sick of it after a week. Grr. Fuckin work.
Guess I gots to do what I gots to do though.

8\

to finally be able to think a little clearer.
The clouds are beginnin to part, and the sun is peering through... if only a little bit.
I hope for sunny days ahead, I'm tired of mopin around in the dark.
No longer desperate for attention... no longer dependent on my emotions, atleast for now.
I feel the break, and I gotta take hold. Ride or Die, mother fuckers.

hehe ^.^

drinkin wine at my parents place..... yah yah feel so good. these family get togethers are so much better now that they allow me to drink.

haha.

peace homies

The news is that It's a girl :) I knew it.

The bad news I'd rather not say and time will only tell how bad this could be.

I don't feel like going to work. I don't think I will.

I think I'm going back to phone sales. It's less bullshit, and more money. Even though its boring as hell.

I don't know.

I don't feel well at all.

Bleh.

how much I hate working minimum wage jobs. This won't last long. I can feel it.



But awesome news:
Lil Mama Jenelle finds out if shes gonna have a boy or girl today :DDDD so excited! I gotta pick her up from work at 1 to take her. Yay! I think its a girl.... But who knows.

I start a new job at Jimmy Johns doing deliveries. I think it should be pretty sweet n easy going. Caeli's working at Carabbas which is right next to Jimmy Johns, they're actually connected. And we'll be working the same hours, so thats good. I'm gonna continue sellin shit on ebay... possibly start making shirts and jewelery so I won't have to get a sencond bullshit job. I hate working for companies, I need to eventually find something that I can do working for myself on my own time. I'm still gonna do the tattooing thing, and oh yeah! my Dad wants me to design his tat, and actually do it too. We'll see what happens tho.

I've been it a really bad rut lately, and I think that its because of the people I chose to have in my life. And now that I've decided to cut them out I'm starting to feel alot better. I do feel bad for things that I've done, but at the time I felt like they needed be done. I may have to change my phone number because certain people keep trying to contact me and I can see myself giving in because I still have feelings for them in a way, and I also feel guilty for just leaving. But I've needed a change for a while and I'm finally have the incentive to do it.

Aaaaand Dave Matthews July 11 & 12. Cant wait. More on Dave soon to come.

Individuals born on the cusp of Leo (the fifth Sign of the Zodiac) and Virgo (the sixth Sign of the Zodiac) are ruled by both the Sun and the Planet Mercury. The attributes of these two combined Signs result in a good-natured disposition and natives who are inclined to take life easy, being well-satisfied with both themselves and their station in life. These cuspians make for good neighbors who would never dream of meddling in the affairs of others. Usually highly intelligent, Leo/Virgo subjects are methodical and inclined to be hard-workers. Indeed, this particular cusp combination has produced some exceedingly successful physicians and teachers.
The Leo/Virgo cusp combination, also known as the Cusp of Exposure, corresponds symbolically to the period of human life at around the age of thirty-five. Here, there is an interesting blend of the introvert and the extrovert...a mix of the practical and earthy qualities afforded by Virgo coupled with the more intuitive and fiery traits of Leo. The end result is often a quietly inspired individual who keeps his or her light within. Some of these cuspians emit a muted or even nondescript first impression which often conceals a far more flamboyant tendency. Others come across as exhibitionists, but are really sensitive and private individuals. There is a tendency here to hide certain personal qualities or facts...possibly for years. Nevertheless, the inner flamboyance is apt to emerge periodically in even the most introverted of these cuspians and during such occasions, they will reveal themselves to the world, totally aware of what they are doing. Many Leo/Virgo natives eventually come to realize that self-concealment is futile since the more they attempt to hide, the more those around them appear to be taking notice of what they are are (or are not) doing. By aiming to be more transparent and allowing others to see what they truly are instead of going into hiding, these cuspians may well be able to even out their swings between introverted and extroverted behavior.

Leo/Virgo natives born into unremarkable surroundings...or at the bottom of the social ladder...can sometimes be late starters in the struggle to move up in the world. Even when such ascension is initiated, it is only through tremendous tenacity and willpower that they can maintain momentum. Indeed, it is not unusual for these cuspians to succumb to their worst fear...a life of boredom and mediocrity. The belief of Leo/Virgo subjects in themselves is frequently inversely proportionate to the belief of the world in general regarding these individuals. In short, as soon as they begin to gain self-confidence, it seems as though others begin to take less notice of them and while applause is not crucial to these cuspians, they do possess a burning sense of their own worth no matter how quiet or self-contained they may be. It is characteristic of these individuals not to reveal the truth about themselves or make grand displays of their real inner feelings until they attain their goals, whether such goals be social or professional. Indeed, it may well be that this desire to divulge can be the fuel which powers the drive toward a goal, since those who reach the top and have carried lifelong secrets are prone to be found out...and usually through their own statements and behavior. To some, this tendency is perceived as a peculiar blend of narcissism and masochism...a strange mixture of self-indulgence and punishment. In truth, these natives are a rather curious blend of intoverted and extroverted tendencies...modesty coupled with flamboyance, for example...and a capacity to see both the large and small picture in almost every situation. Thus, they are often outstanding observers and judges of character. They know how to watch in silence without drawing attention to themselves. In addition, they frequently excel at recording their impressions in thought or word and then expressing them at a later date after long periods of rethinking. Associates and co-workers are likely to depend upon the judgment, objectivity and brilliant memory of these natives and when they are able to achieve emotional stability, Leo/Virgo subjects can be the most dependable and reliable of friends.

It should be noted that there is a danger here for Leo/Virgo cuspians to alternately use concealment and revelation as a weapon or ploy to get their own way and they need to realize the childishness and non-productivity of such games. The solution to this often comes when they meet just one person...or a very few...who are willing to accept them exactly as they are. Thus, through acceptance, love and trust, these cuspians can eliminate the need to play "hide-and-seek." Unfortunately, emotional immaturity is apt to plague Leo/Virgo natives until they fully accept the challenges associated with attaining adulthood. Subjects of this cusp combination are never altogether happy or content with less than the very best and finest of furnishings for their homes and this love of nice things is also likely to extend to their choice of wearing apparel. In short, these natives are extremely fond of elaborate displays in dressing and, at times, may well carry this fondness to undesirable extremes.

Leo/Virgo cuspians possess the vitality and ambition to be successful in their endeavors and are industrious and efficient when working for a good cause. In addition, they are are practical, logical and immensely creative. They are also gregarious and social, being fun-loving souls who live life with much enthusiasm. The natural leadership found in many of these subjects, coupled with their administrative prowess, helps to ensure that any project undertaken will be successful. These are people who are very good at understanding the deeper meaning of what others say. They rely on logic rather than emotion in making decisions and are reliable and diligent individuals. However, they can sometimes appear "picky" or overly critical toward those who are not as discriminating. Being decisive and direct, the Leo/Virgo cuspian is optimistic regarding personal successes. They do have a tendency to exaggerate problems and overreact to stumbling blocks, but are generally positive people with an inherent pride and streak of stubborness which keeps them from giving up. These individuals have the ability to analyze and then take appropriate action. They are selective and discriminating, but are constantly and quickly moving. The personality of these cuspians is warm-hearted and outgoing. They are cheerful, self-assured, studious and sensible in business dealings. It should also be noted that the female Leo/Virgo native in particular is likely to be easily convinced by arguments set forth in a plausible and persuasive manner.

In this combination, the exuberance afforded by the Sun (planetary ruler of Leo) combines with the quickness that Mercury (planetary ruler of Virgo) applies to the analytical ability of the Virgo make-up. The result is an individual blessed with an intuitive nature wherein the Sun brings out the favorable aspect of Mercury, while the inherent Virgo harmony counteracts the chief weakness of Leo natives...indolence. Here, the Virgo curiosity is tempered by the sympathy of Leo, making for individuals who are open and above-board in their dealings. However, these cuspians can suffer through their own self-importance. The more the good points of these subjects, then the quicker they are to recognize such through their ability for self-analysis. Thus, the egotism of the Leo/Virgo native is apt to swell proportionately and the fact that such is justified only makes it worse for them if it rouses the animosity and jealousy of others. Leo/Virgo cuspians tend to be good actors, writers and lawyers, but less likely to excel in the field of medicine (a traditionally favorable Leo career) due to the over-sympathy of their highly imaginative minds. However, these individuals will meet with success in the business world and possess great executive prospects since they are sufficiently forceful to command interest and respect. In short, they apply a methodical attention to detail and adhere to a practical and well-organized routine. Leo/Virgo cuspians are good organizers and tend to be quite popular people who are even inspiring at times. The closer an individual is to the Leo side of this cusp, then the more basic will be the Leo traits, with the influence of Virgo turning such traits toward a practical application not usually found in the basic Leo nature. However, as this cusp moves toward the Virgo side, the inherent Virgo characteristics rapidly takes over, although good nature will persist and produce willing workers.

Although skeptical of extravagent claims and promises, some Leo/Virgo subjects are prone to fall victim to gambling and may well be brash and extravagant at the gaming table. They also tend to be rather health-conscious and may be quite concerned with diet and hygiene. However, this interest in health usually ensures that these cuspians take good care of their mental and physical selves. In their leisure time, Leo/Virgo individuals prefer to play in groups rather than going solo. It is less important to them that the exercise be interesting, so long as it is effective and social, and their perfectionism coupled with physical strength will make these cuspians strive to excel in whatever sport they choose. Within this cusp combination is found the passion and fire of Leo absorbed by the earthiness of Virgo and thus, turned to generative uses. These subjects are in great sympathy with nature. In short, they are "children of the soil" and adore the sun and fresh air. These are cuspians who are at their best mentally and physically when they can live an outdoor life. They are fond of outdoor exercise and outdoor pleasures, finding considerable enjoyment in the care of lawns, plants and gardens, etc. In terms of ailments, Leo/Virgo cuspians are most susceptible to disorders of the stomach and circulatory system. With regard to relationships, Leo/Virgo cuspians are devoted but can, on occasion, be rather jealous souls. However, they are not particularly flirtatious.

The greatest strength of Leo/Virgo cuspians is probably to be found in their creativity, attention to detail and inherent desire to be of service. They will pick up on the "little things" that others most likely miss, and thoughtful gifts or unique solutions to problems are second nature to those who fall under the influence of this cusp combination. In addition, the committment of these natives to help others makes them one of the most giving characters to be found in the Zodiac.

The most important lesson to be learned by Leo/Virgo natives is to curb the desire for display and smug self-satisfaction. As with all cusp individuals, these cuspians tend to be attracted to others born on the cusp...particularly those who fall within the Pisces/Aries and Taurus/Gemini combinations.

you know what...

fuck everybody.

i'm the one that has to die when i die.

im gonna live my life the way i want.

i dont owe you shit.

I have an image in my head of Jesus as a zombie painting hard boiled eggs with the easter bunny.

Go ahead.

Picture it.

It's ok.

So, I'm thinking about chillin' in Tallahassee for a while. Maybe a week. Maybe two. I figure now is the best time because I don't have a job. And I can stay with my friend no problem. I feel the need to get up and go anyway. I just wish there was someone I could take with me on these fabulous adventures without wanting to choke them to death on the long car rides. I would take the guy I'm supposed to be dating, meaning he thinks we are, but I can't stand him for long periods of time... unless I'm fucked up. So, I guess it'll just have to be me, myself, and the voices in my head. Fun. Maybe I'll meet someone. Maybe it'll be me. Ha. Who knows... The only problem is I need money. Later I'm probably going to put more of my personal belongings on ebay. It's kinda ironic... I'm selling my life to get one. Who needs material things anyway. Fuck em. Fuck it all. I'm free, bitches. I'm out. 8P

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

I'm sorry... My heart just never really worked right, and my head is off balance. I know I lead you on and let you down, but I'd have to say it's partially your fault because you keep coming back. It's probably a self-esteem issue. I'll get you just to say I got you, then loose interest. And about falling in love... How can I believe anyone actually cares about me, when I see myself as a piece of shit? I don't respect anyone that says they love me. I automatically just think you're lying to get something out of me, or maybe you're just a complete idiot whose desperate. I'm such a disaster, but I know I'm not the only one. So, let's continue weaving our webs... making each other crazy. I really wish I could be sincere when I say I love you. I wish I really did. But hey, at least the sex is good.

Love(?),
Nic0